What did we do today?

The Tyrone Time Trial is a 25km time trial that snakes through a canyon named after a miniature donkey.

What was it like?

Buy an oversized condom. With the help of others, pull it onto your body.

Go to the bank, withdraw all your savings, and purchase a bike that looks like a fighter jet.

Now buy a hack saw and cut off most of the TT bars so the bike will pass an arbitrary test contrived by an international cycling governing body.

Next, stand in a line, and when they tell you to go, bend yourself to less than a 90 angle while going as hard as possible so that you can’t breathe and your knees nearly hit you in the face as you pedal. Your line of vision should be about 10 feet in front of you so that you have no chance of avoiding anything you might run into.

Midway through, ignore that you’ve ridden on your TT bike once in the past 12 months, and your glutes are so overworked they swell to the size of melons halfway through the race, and your ambitions for a result implode along with your hip flexors.

Cross the line and pretend you don’t know your finishing time if anyone asks to delay the judgment on the results list.

How did I do?

Not bad! I had my best Tyrone TT ever, good enough for inflamed glutes and a solidly mediocre result.

Quotes of the day

“How are you doing, Ethan?” (Ethan broke his wrist in the 80-man pile-up on Stage 2).
“Every day is a blessing, brother.”

Ethan, the part-time preacher.

“Joey, do you have a TT helmet I can use?”
“Yeah, I have a spare. You’ll look like a d**khead tho.”
“Perfect!”

Joey Bacala is so prepared from his Semper Porro days he travels with backup TT helmets to give out to unprepared randos.

“Matti’s doing the dishes again,” Henry said.
“Matti is Gerda,” said Sam.

“Ferda?”
“He’s for da boys.”
“Fer da boys.”
“Yeah. You do things for the boys.”

“What’s Ethan up to tonight?”
“He met some randos and is going to the Horny
Toad and rhizzing on locals.”
“Rhizzing?”
“Rhizzing.”
“I’m lost.”
“He’s got game.”
“Ethan?”
“Yeah, he’s a whiz goblin.”

Taj, reminding me how old I am.

“Matti, what are you doing? Emails? Stories? Great, keep doing what you’re doing. This could have been an email.”

~Taj. If only all conversations were this efficient.


“Hold on, let me take a picture of this.”
~A UCI official who mercifully passed my TT bike even though I had a blatant jig violation but wanted to use me as an example of what never to do.

What I hated about today

While buying groceries from ferda boyz at Walmart, I not once but twice was violently intercepted on MY line in the grocery aisle by people riding motorized shopping carts that couldn’t hold a line to save their life nor needed to ride in a motorized shopping cart.

Mediocre power reveal/inner race commentary

I cross-country ski raced in college. After the first race in a weekend, our coach, Kevin Brochman, addressed the entire team.

“Have you ever heard of the song Eye of the Tiger?” He asked the group.

We all nodded. Kevin pointed at Karl.

“Karl? He’s Eye of the Tiger when he races.”

Kevin paused and looked at me.

“Matti – Eye of the Bunny. Everyone – race like Karl.”

When the TT got hard, I put on my bunny suit.

What I loved about today?

Ethan, who, if you remember, broke his wrist in the stage 2 crash, went to the Horny Toad to Rhiz on a local, who flaked on him but still stayed to vibe with a metal band that was playing there and hit up the mosh pit, where someone bent his thumb on his broken wrist.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

the Weekly grav'

Say no to slow!

Reader questions, stories, and guaranteed laughs every Thursday.