What Do?

A time trial in the booming metropolis of Tyrone, NM.

What Was It Like?

Stuff yourself into a condom suit, swing your leg over the least fun type of bike you can ride, pucker as you pass through the UCI TT jig for the 8th time, and then go as hard as you can while staring four feet in front of your front wheel going twenty to fifty miles an hour until your buns explode.


I forgot my pedals at the house.”

~Henry easily won the Goober of the Day award.


“How did it go Big Daddy?”

“My life is a mistake.”

~I should be a life coach.


“How did the TT go today?”

“Today was the crit.”

~Never miss an opportunity to gaslight your wife.


How is it going?”

“I’m currently unable to get out of my TT skinsuit because the zipper is in the back and I’m too inflexible to reach it but Tony isn’t here right now and I’m absolutely BUSTING and about to accident in the spare bedroom.”

~Cycling is silly.


You’re on the edge, but I’ll give it to you.”

~The UCI TT Jig official, after my final check-in, made it seem like he was letting me get away with something even though he had passed me three times before in the last 24 hours, and I hadn’t changed one thing.

Shoot Me (What I Hated About Today)

  • My result was a complete embarrassment to myself, my family, and my ancestors.
  • I ate an entire carton of egg whites after the TT which is a first, even for me.
  • The cheese slicer I finally found at Walmart proved to be worse than trying to karate chop it with my hand, so I threw it out.
  • The Dickes I bought at Walmart I finally threw away after seeing my reflection in the mirror and realizing I looked even more like a clown than usual. 

Hold Me (What I Loved About Today?)

  • I have now had pancakes for breakfast three days in a row. 
  • Alex Marr said I was handsome.


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