What did we do today? What was it like?

Tour of the Gila Stage 2: Inner Loop Road Race, which, if you’re having a bad day, is like accidentally falling overboard and madly swimming back toward to boat only for it to lurch away just as you’re about to make contact. 

How did I do?

Imagine having someone grab the back of your head and repeatedly waterboard you in a toilet for three and a half hours. 

Quote of the day

“Are you getting schwifty on the condo” 

As I lay cracked on the team’s condo waiting for Peter to exit the shower my GI system gave me a warning that a class 5 tsunami was coming whether I was ready for it or not.

“Nothing sounds good right now.”

Tyrel, staring vacantly at a table of food. 

“Dude, why are you fing us in the gutter? We’re fighting for 60th place.”

In UCI races when you’re dropped some people think that means everyone should be above attacking everyone for a worthless place.  I don’t think that way. 

“You guys are NOT keeping the green jersey today.”

Some fast dude to Chaz, while he was covering attacks on the front and trying to keep Henry in Green for another day.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have done an all-out sprint before a 20-minute climb.”

Chaz, questioning the tactics that saw all of us but Ethan getting dropped on the first climb and Henry finishing outside of time cut because he lit his entire matchbox on fire in order to win the first sprint. 

“Chaz, you’re in 49th overall now.”

“OK, but did they factor in my 1-second bonus sprint for 48th?”

Chaz was also mercilessly in his Gruppetto and released a 1500-watt sprint in the end to secure 40-something place.  SHEEEEEEEEEEEEESHHH!

“Matti, what are you doing back there?”

“I’m crossing and squeezing bro.  I hope Peter gets out of the shower today.”

Peter had no idea how close he was to me to permanently ruin their condo. 

What I hated about today

Right before the KOM on the first climb of the day, everyone was fighting like mad to get to the front and I got caught behind a crash and basically came to a stop at the bottom of the hill. I was already a solid 75 meters behind the front. I knew then that I’d be spending the rest of the day killing myself to finish inside the time cut. 

Also, downhills. If you put a giraffe on a bike and asked him to race me downhill it would beat me, guaranteed. One dude from Toronto Hustle absolutely destroyed us going down Sapillo – he was like a goddamn angel. He must have put a minute into all of us. He didn’t wait for us at the bottom, so it was kinda hilarious when the rest of us straggles just rolled up on him a mile later and were like, “Nice try lol’.

Mediocre power reveal/inner race commentary

I’m some combination of too thicccc and or not powerful enough not to feel like I’m constantly dying trying to hang in this field, at least at the beginning of the race. This would probably be OK if I was a technical genius, but since I’m as nimble as a camper the only way I can get away with that is by being dummy strong, which I’m not in this field. Take home message kids – if you can’t steer, you better be donky-d *** strong; if you’re neither, well, you’re going to have a bad time. 

As Tyrel leaned his head against the van window, cracked, muttering to himself he said to no one, “I think I need to train less and get skinny.”


What I loved about today

My family braved the rolling enclosure and stood on a random hill outside Silver City waiting for me to pass, not knowing I was in the 3rd gruppetto. 

Apparently, Lars yelled “Go Dada” to at least three other men that were, in fact, not his Dada.

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